The Talk
by DrippingWings
Summary: The League discovers a little something that Batman skipped over with all his kids and decide to take matters into their own hands. (Just a crack one shot)


No one really knew how they got on the subject, or why they were still talking about it, but somehow, the Justice League of America had gotten on the subject of the bat kids not getting the talk from their mentor yet.

"Bruce, how can you send them into the world without giving them at least the basics?" demanded Dinah, shaking her head in disbelieve and disappointment.

"I assure you, they all know the basics." said Bruce. He couldn't believe the awkward position he was in. I mean, how was the big scary batman expected to sit seven kids of different genders down and talk to them about... it?

"How do you_ know_ they have the basics if you've never talked to them about it?" asked Clark, being the perfect boyscout he was, Bruce _really_ found it hard to believe he had sat down Kara and Conner to tell them about the big s.

"Barbra had her father, of course, and Stephanie had her mother. Dick and Tim had their health and biology classes. Jason grew up on the streets, so he picked up enough, I know that much from his sence of humor. Cassandra knows enough, I'm sure, and for Damian... well, he's only 12, I don't really think he needs to know, yet." Bruce said, trying to defend himself from the glaring eyes of Diana, Clark, Dinah, and the disbelieving (and somewhat uncomfortable looking) eyes of Barry. Hal and Oliver were just watching while J'hon was staring at his pack of Oreos.

"Bruce." said Diana, staring him down "If you don't tell them, I will."

"And I'll help." announced Dinah. Clark nodded in agreement with the two women and Barry rapidly shook his head 'no' when the trio turned to look at him.

"Barry." said Clark, his eyes boring into the soul of his friend.

"No! No way Hosè! Those kids _scare_ me, I'm not going to tell them about the... s... word!" argued Barry.

"Fine." huffed Dinah, turning her attention back to Bruce "Just us then. Bring the kids here tomorrow at five. We'll be waiting." With that the blond and her friend left, leaving a room full of two laughing men, one confused looking Martian, one glaring Kyrptonian an awkward looking Speedster, and a slightly defeated playboy billionaire detective.

* * *

"Hey guys." smiled Dinah as she walked into the conference room of the watch tower, seeing the seven young members of the batclan sitting around the large glass-topped table.

"Why are we here Lance?" growled Damian, who had never been particularly fond of who he referred to as 'the over-bearing blond bimbo'.

"Ya, why the heck am I in the same room as replacement, demon, golden-boy, carrot top, silent but deadly, and gang war?" snapped Jason, irritated at being woken up before twelve on a Saturday.

"Well, yesterday at the league meeting, we found out Bruce never had the big talk with you guys and us three decided that someone needed to tell you." informed Diana, unfazed by Damian and his harsh tone.

All the children paled for a moment before they all got an identical and down-right terrifying smirk on there faces.

"I have a question!" called Dick, shooting his hand in the air.

"Yes, Dick?" asked Clark, a kind smile on his face, ready to help the twenty year old with any questions he had.

"Where do babies come from?"

"Ya, and what's an orgasm?" called Jason.

"When a man puts his genitalia in a women's vajay-jay does science or the holy spirit put the baby in their?" asked Stephanie, and then, as an after thought, added "Or does Aphrodite?"

"What's a penis?" demanded Barbra.

"How does one sex?" asked Tim folding his hands on the table and tilting his head.

"What is cum?" asked a legitimately curious Cass.

"What is a 'blowjob'?" inquired Damian, catching on and enjoying the blush on Clark's face.

"What is a porn and how do I get into one?"

"Do I want to be on top or on the bottom?"

"What's a condom and do I need to put one on every time, or is that only for boys?"

"How much masturbation is too much masturbation?"

"What is masturbation?"

"Whats happening?"

"Does sexual intercourse cure headaches or did that guy behind the library lie to me?"

"How do two boys have sex?"

"How many virginitities does someone get?"

"I was serious when I asked what was happening."

"Okay, alright, that's enough!" shouted Diana "Only serious questions from now on!"

"Ya, let's get down to business." agreed the boy scout in blue with a nod. Suddenly, an absolutely brilliant idea popped into Stephanie's head.

"To defeat, the hun." she sang, quietly enough so no one would hear her words, but would still know she was making noise. Once everyone was looking at her, she continued.

"Did they send me daughters," she sang, slightly louder "when I asked, for sons?"

"You're the sadness bunch I've ever met, but you can bet, before we're through, mister I'll, make a man, out of you!" Stephanie began to sing at full volume and jumped on top of the table. Barbra figured out where she was going with this and followed.

"Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within!" began Barbra, jumping on the table and staring the boys down. "Once you find your center," the ginger continued "You are sure, to win!"

"You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue!" harmonized the girls, each pointing to one boys in turn "Somehow I'll, make a man, out of you!" Stephanie leaned down and grabbed Tim's shirt collar, pulling him for for a kiss.

"I'm never gonna catch my breath." sang Tim, a goofy smile on his face after Stephanie relaxed him.

"Say good-bye to those who knew me!" sang Dick as Barbra turned to look at him predatory.

"Boy was I fool in school for cutting gym!" Jason sang.

"This guys got them scared to death." Cass sang, she didn't understand why the girls were talking about making the boys into men, but she did know the song from the many times the family had watched it.

"Hope he doesn't see right through me."sang Damian, rolling his eyes as he say all his make shift siblings turn to look at him. He liked a Disney film, sue him.

"Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!" sang Jason, looking up Barbra's skirts briefly before she noticed and kicked him in the face with her boot.

"To be a man!" sang the girls loudly.

"We must be swift as the coursing river!" three of the brothers sang, but Damian just rolled his eyes and watched the show.

"To be a man!" Barbra and Stephanie sang, pulling Cass up on the table with them.

"With all the force of a great typhoon!" the three brothers belted out.

"To be a man!" the female trio sang.

"With all the strength of a raging fire!" sang the tri. Dick shot puppy eyes at the youngest member of the batclan, who simply huffed and rolled his eyes "Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!" the now quartet sang, though Damian was singing quietly.

"Time is racing toward us, 'till the Huns arrive. Heed my every order, and you might survive." the girls sang this lower, staring the boys down and pacing back and forth on the table top. Suddenly, Bab's spun on her heels, now facing Clark, she shoved her finger into his chest before she continued singing.

"You're unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home you're through!" Barbra sang, suddenly spinning on her heels to face away from Superman, she sang the rest of the verse over her shoulder.  
"How could I make a man out of you?"

"BE A MAN!" Stephanie sang, pointing at Tim.

"We must be swift as a coursing river!" Tim sang in response, getting on to the table himself.

"BE A MAN!" This time Cas sang, and it was at Damian, seeing as they were like siblings and the only ones it really wouldn't be awkward singing to, Damian found himself being hoisted onto the table by his almost sister and singing,

"With all the force of a great typhoon."

"BE A MAN!" sang Babs, deciding it was Jason's turn to get on the table instead of her boyfriends, who looked vaguely like a kicked puppy for being made to go last.

"With all the strength of a raging fire!" sang the streetrat, pulling himself onto the makeshift stage. "Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!"

"BE A MAN!" this time everyone belted it out, smiling like idiots.

"We must be swift as a coursing river!" sang Dick getting onto the table himself.

"BE A MAN!"

"With all the force of a great typhoon!"

"BE A MAN!"

"With all the strength of a raging fire! Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!" Dick belted out the last part as loudly as he could.

"Hoo-ah!" all the kids shouted this out together at once, smiling like idiots and laughing (except Damian, who was scowling a bit less angrily than normal.)

Diana simply raised on eyebrow at the troubled mackerel **(A/N It auto-corrected to this and I'm not changing it. It's to perfect.)** while Clark looked confused and Dinah stepped forward.

"Alright... maybe we should move off of the physical stuff and more into the inner workings of relationships. As soon as you all get off the table." suggested Dinah, swallowing her amusement over the kids song.

"Then I," drawled Jason, plopping down to sit criss-cross applesauce on the conference table "Am never getting off this table."

"Besides, we've all seen Frozen at least twice, we know how relationships work." assured Dick.

"You're 21 years old, Dick, haven't you moved past Disney?" asked Clark, getting nine shocked gasps in response.

"Okay, Superdouche, there are five things you're never to old for." said Jason rudely, hopping off the table to stand toe-to-toe with the Kyrptonian while the rest of the Batclan circled him.

"One." began Dick "Swingsets."

"Two." continued Barbra "Stickers."

"Three." this time Stephanie spoke "Birthday's."

"Four." listed Tim "Nightmares... unfortunately."

"And five," growled Jason, Cas, and Damian at one "Disney."

* * *

The batclan all walked out of the conference room a half hour later, laughing and looking slightly mussed. Jason jacket had a rip on the pocket, Dicks hair was frayed, Barbra's left shoe was missing, Tim had a scratch on the side of his face, One of Damian baby teeth had been knocked out, Cass had a tear in her jeans knee, and Stephanie's normally perfect hair was messy. Bruce shot them all a questioning look before he saw Clark walk out, looking traumatized and beaten.

"Not a word." is all the Kyrptonion said, limping to the infirmary.


End file.
